b-j-g

I am letting him use me, and I know I'm letting him use me. Why the fuck am I letting him use me?! 

Get this-So I was on an online dating site, POF, I talked to this guy and eventually gave him my number. I met up with him for a "date" at his apartment, we smoked, watched tv, and I ended up doing sexual favors for him. He has "borrowed" money from me, used my car, taken a lot of pot, and gotten me to buy him food. Every time I have gone over there, even sick, he has gotten, umm, sexual favors from me. Always convinces me to. I knew from the beginning he was using me, and still went over there. He almost always wants me to come over, has told me I wasn't/am not some booty call, and that he wants me to be "his girl". But, he doesn't ever listen and is always shushing me and giving me hickies (even when told not to).

I think I'm letting him use me because I like the attention and I'm lonely. But he's kind of an asshole. But is a really good kisser. But doesn't respect me. But cuddles. But has told me "I don't care". But calls me pretty names. But uses me. But is fun. But never goes out with me. But smokes me up. But doesn't listen....


Ugh. What have I gotten myself into?

*This will probably just end up being a long rant**

So an opportunity finally presented itself where I could tell one of my good friends for the past 6ish years I wasn't sure if I just liked him as a friend, or as more. Let me elaborate, he knew my stance on fwb (friends with benefits) fuck buddies, as well as one night stands. Lets face it, he's one of my very best friends. However, last night he pushed the thought of a sexual relationship with him. This guy, according to many of my friends, is perfect for me. Many of them would comment on how we almost feed off of each others energy. *i'm just going to call him Guy for the rest of this* Guy even admitted when we're together, or just chatting, we have absolutely no guards up. We can always be ourselves as well as open and honest with each other. I finally came clean last night.

The below are exact texts....He's trying to convince/persuade me to go to his place....

 Me: Don't you remember our fwb/one night stand discussion we had years ago?
G
uy: The times you've made me hard have drowned that out a bit, I want to do what comes naturally.

This type of conversation continues and I finally tell him I don't want anything that's not serious and he declines by saying "ok thats a happy meal for me then"

Me: Ok. You were open with me....so here it goes. When we first started hanging out I had a crush on you. And up to this point I was never sure if I liked you a friend or more. I guess I was hoping for the relationship...not sex. But, now that you've said your part, and I mine, we can move past them.

My friends all assured me he'd probably change his mind, however, that was not the case. He politely explained that he's not physically attracted to me. My first thought is that he's SO contradicting everything he said.


...............................................................................................................( a later text after I've come clean about the crush).........................
Guy:You know Billie, you're a truly awesome girl (not making you feel good, either) but I can't make it past the fact that I'm not truly physically attracted to you. Sure I was suggesting we help eachother get our rocks off for fun, and that you have your moments. But I'm not fully into you.

HE wants to have sexual relations with me, but can't stand the sight of me? Putting that slap aside, I appreciated the honesty, he didn't butter coat it and was completely honest with me. As the text discussion continued, i found myself super disappointing and feeling a little used. He tried to bribe me with food to blow him, but isn't attracted to me physically? Ouch. I did explain to him the attraction I felt toward him wasn't based on his looks, but more on the emotional/energetic connection we have, other than when his arms were buff, cause they were pretty hot. 

His compromise was that we could be "gym partners". Here's that entire segment of text:
Guy: Billie I came up with an idea..Its going to require equal effort, and we can do it. We are the smartest people I know, and it's a genius idea. We both have the aspirations and needs, and together we can achieve them. Let's be gym partners."

Me: I'm good, but thanks.

Guy: ..oh..that sucks lol. Think about it..I need an olympian status, and you want to lose weight..going to the gym is THE best thing, trust me. But you have to be into it...

I'm not trying to make him look bad, but a few weeks earlier I had told him I started going to the gym each morning, but not because I wanted to lose weight..more because I wanted to be healthier. I am confident with myself, it feels to me like he's not comfortable with how I look...and that bothers me...a lot. 

I am calm, cool, and collected not only thinking about it, but writing. The honesty was nice, but it really made me question how I was presenting myself and what he thinks of me. Did he really think he could bribe me with food? Seriously? And a happy meal at that. It's degrading..just because I'm thick/fat (you choose) doesn't mean I eat unhealthy and will do anything for food. Did I come off as that desperate? I know I'd confided in him earlier this week that I'd gotten inebriated and was kind of being a big flirt/tease. Does he really even have any respect for me as a woman, or even for me in general? Do I present myself like I'm disgusted with myself? Even if I was feeling like a fat piece of dog shit, I always fake it till I make it. 

I just don't know what to do. It's like I'm seeing a side of him I hadn't before, and I don't know if I don't like it because of the honesty, or because it actually is him being an ass. He is one of my best friends, but this just makes me question EVERYTHING he ever did or said. My boss told me to be true to myself with my emotions, and I am being true. But I really don't know how I feel, or even what I SHOULD feel. Should I be offended? Should I take his disgust with my body as a nice tip and hit the gym more? Should I talk to him? Does he even want to talk to me anymore? I know the great friend thing went both ways.

Me:So what's the whole friend thing? Even real? Lets be 100% honest here.

Guy: You've been the best friend I've had since my greatest friend Bob, (not real name) what do you mean? If anything youve beenTHE best friend ive had. Bobs my childhopd friend now, and ive never been as open with anyone else before. An don't think the "fun" was guaranteed to last. Maybe it wouldnt have actually BEEN fun or we just didnt like it. But doesnt hurt to try.

Me: I appreciate the honesty and I'm trying really hard not to be a chick. I've never been into the fwb, and you've never thought of me as anything more than a friend. So i'm not going to be a chick, and now that we've addressed it we can move on.

Guy:no, I HAVE thought of you as more than that. There would be no better relationship with someone when they can be your best friend as well. It means a lot  to me.

**at this point he brings in the whole "gym partners" texts posted earlier.

The more I re-read it the more bitter I get. I don't want to be that person...I'm better than that..right? 

Please, please, PLEASE give me some advice. How would you feel? What would you do? 

Before I wrote this I thought I'd wait on him to text/call/fb me and see how he acts and decide then. But now I'm not so sure.

First of all, I'm super stoked to be continuing naming my journal entry's with a song title!

On to other matters, I have not stopped uploading my work onto this site, I've just been lacking the ambition and inspiration to do anything. Alas, I should be going home tonight (weather permitted as there's currently a blizzard) and hopefully get a session or two in.

As an update on what I've been doing:
-classes (18 credits)- I'm actually trying a "good student" thing and reading chapters as well as completing homework in a timely manner
-Tony, Ben as well as my Dad are all in jail-That's a lie, my dad's out on bail until Monday, which is another reason I'm going home tonight. It was all sort of a freak thing, Ben I guess had a warrant and had been living at our house. Someone snitched Ben out and because my dad was on probation he was taken to jail with Ben. Ben couldn't get out on bail, and I'm told will have a long sentence. My dad is apparently freaking out, he tested positive for drugs in a mouth swab as well as a piss test. Funny thing is, even on probation my dad never had to have a piss test, but because Ben was there, he had to. The whole thing is stupid and frustrating as well as in my opinion unfair. My dad shouldn't have to go back to jail. I guess he thinks he'll be in there at least a month. I'm scared for him, I remember how scared he was last time he went in. A good friend of mine blames it on his "addiction". I love my dad, I think addicts have a bad reputation. You can be an addict and still be a good person inside and out. I know we're all responsible for our actions, but it doesn't even seem he did anything wrong! GAH. Enough on this before I get emotional...or more emotional....
-I'm trying to figure out my life, what I want and need. I'm at the point where I feel I have to choose between my family and my happiness and that they can't coexist. I don't want to date and fall in love with someone and end up ruining their lives with my family, which I consider to be a lot of baggage. I can barely keep my wits about me, let alone drag someone else down with me. I care about my family too much to stop doing all I do for them..but I don't want to die alone either.....Too many choices
-On a happier note, I am really looking into starting a club for at risk youth. Not only at risk youth though, all are welcome, but my main target will be 7-12 graders. I'd teach them some real life skills as well as have guest speakers. They'd have someone to support them in whatever dreams they want to achieve as well as gain friends in the process. I'd help them apply for colleges, jobs, teach them interpersonal skills, and also give them a safe environment to just talk. I'd run it as a branch off city council and have the police of our city involved as well. We'd do things like community service, but also go to the movies and do crafts. I'm really excited an passionate about it, and can't WAIT to run my ideas by everyone.

That's about it! Here's to finding peace, answers and making choices that are good for me.

Well, I really have no reason for posting this other than the fact that I haven't posted in a long time. I guess I've been pretty busy lately, my photography business is finally taking off and I keep getting booked left and right! I've got a guy who's like the little brother I never had aiding me at all the major photo-shoots like weddings, and he comes when he wants for engagement and portraits. He's super awesome and I'm not sure I could do all this without him! Any I'm up to around 4 weddings, 2 engagements, one senior photo and two possible family portraits! I'm UBER stoked that my passion is turning into a reliable and fun career!

Well, I guess the song kind of sums up how my life has been going lately. I've lost a lot this past year, some for the better, some for worse. It's still an everyday battle with accepting Dylan is truly gone. He was my first best friend, we had more adventures than I could ever tell and I miss him more than anything. I just wish I could have one last talk with him, one more hug.